She Waved!

This morning something happened that I have been waiting to see for years. My daughter waved good-bye to me. Now I realize that to most parents this will not seem like a big deal, but for me it brought tears to my eyes.

Everyday, I drive my children to school and drop them off near the door. My son will often get to the door and then turn around and look back at me and wave good bye. When my daughter gets to the school, she silently opens the car door, shuts it (with her back turned to the door), walks up to the building, opens the door, and goes inside. SHE NEVER LOOKS BACK!

I have always believed this behavior is due to her attachment disorder issues.  Because of her history of broken attachments, she tends to perceive separations as abandonment. Her primary coping mechanisms for handling this anxiety is, dissociation from all feeling states or full out rages. Usually on the way to school she will start disassociating, but I have noticed that lately she has started talking a little in the car. I have been thrilled with that because it means that she is starting to feel a bit more comfortable, and safer than she used to going to school.  

I thought today seemed like every other morning... We drove to school and talked a little. We listened to the radio.  She looked straight ahead.    Nothing out of the ordinary.    We pulled up to the side walk and I said "Have a good day. I love you."  She silently got out of the car,  walked to the door,  opened it,  and  then stopped.  She turned around,  looked me IN THE EYES, and waved good-bye. 

I know that wave was just a baby step in the right direction, but it was a step!  Over the years I have come to be grateful for those moments that remind you that there is hope and that there can be healing.  

Some Days Are Hard

When I started this blog, I decided that I was not going to post about anything too personal, but sometimes a person just needs to vent.  I am a mother through biology and through adoption.  This has been an amazing blessing and has taught me a lot about who I truly am.

It is hard sometimes to remember that my adopted child is not the same as my biological ones.  My bio children have never laid in their crib hungry.  They have never been passed to 5 different homes in 2 years.  They have never had to wonder who their parents are, or why they left them.  They look at me and feel a secure attachment. 

Attachment for an adopted child is not always a simple thing.  For some it comes easily, but for others, it is a fight. Infants who have been abandoned by their birth parents and placed in an orphanage where they receive inconsistent care are especially susceptible to attachment disorder because they never had an opportunity to attach to someone. Children with interrupted attachment have learned to trust only themselves. They believe that adults will not be there to take care of them. They have built defensive walls.  It seems like there is a constant tug-of war going on inside of them.  As much as they might want to engage in reciprocal relationships, they can't.  I have to remind myself of this last sentence at least once or twice every week.  You see... I forget about that sometimes. I forget, not because I don't love her, but rather because I do. I know the way I feel. I know my love is forever. I know that I will keep doing what I need to do to help her grow up to feel secure but some days are hard!   I hope in time it will get easier for her, but for now, running away barefoot in the snow is easier than trusting in my love.